A martini is a terrible thing to waste.

Drunk dialing Amex.


May 9, 2013 7 Comments

First of all, I know smoking is bad so spare me the lecture.

I only do it when I’m drinking, stressed, driving in my car, or after you know what.

Anyway, thank you American Express for the wonderful customer service representative.

Re: Baby Goats


May 8, 2013 0 Comments

For the last couple of days, I’ve been involved in a strange email exchange with some girl.

It is mostly my fault because I originally responded sarcastically, assuming her initial email was spam, and I was bored.

But maybe it’s not spam.  I don’t know.  I can never tell anymore. I still think maybe there is a girl in Russia who is moving to my neighborhood and thinks I’m sexy.

Anyway, I don’t love the fact that when someone Googles:  baby + goat + slaughter … that my  email address pops up.

Met Gala cocktail party.


May 7, 2013 0 Comments

So… last night I helped out my friend Delores.

Delores is an event planner, and she was hired to do a cocktail party at a very well known, very rich clothing designer.

Delores asked me if would help her out at the pre-Met Gala cocktail party as a bartender.

I was like, “hell yes.”  She was like, “you can’t freak out, there’s going to be a lot of celebrities there.”  I was like, “I won’t.”   Weeeeeeeeeeeee!

Before I showed up at the party, I had to sign a bunch of non disclosure documents saying I wouldn’t take any photos or use any names or whatever.  I am pretty sure this blog post isn’t a violation because I’m not going to use her real name, obviously.  Even though I’m dying to.

In a nutshell, the party was a small gathering of super A list celebrities, all wearing the designer, and all of their seemingly gay husbands.

The absolutely gigantic apartment was insanely beautiful, and everyone at the party drank diet cokes with no ice.   Which I thought was very strange.  I mean, who orders a Diet Coke without rum ice?

One super hot A-list celebrity who I just assumed didn’t drink, was pounding tequilas on the rocks, which was impressive.  I wanted to be like, “I’m not reeeally a cater waiter.  Can we go have a cigarette? I have so much to ask you.”

It was all very Downtown Abbey, and unfortunately I was very Thomas Barrow, even though I wanted to be very Tom Branson.

Champagne on the Park tickets.


May 7, 2013 49 Comments

Thursday night is one of my favorite parties of the year… Champagne on the Park in Albany, NY’s Washington Park (which was designed by M.C. Escher)

On Friday Puppy today, we are giving away 2 complimentary tickets to Champagne on the Park, compliments of the Lark Street BID.

If you would like to win these two tickets, be the 18th commenter on this post, and the tickets are yours.

I will be there, wearing my new lime green dress pants I just bought in Brooklyn.  I will also be drunk because the champagne is free and I have never been good at pacing myself at an open bar.

If you don’t win the tickets, you can buy your tickets to this wonderful event HERE.


this shits gettin real

What it’s like to read to a 1st Grade class.


May 6, 2013 17 Comments

Last week I drove out to Rochester, NY to read a book to my niece Ali’s 1st Grade class.

Apparently, and like no other Baumgartner before her, she was chosen as Student of the Week.  With that honor comes the power to choose someone to come to her class and read a book of her choosing.

So naturally, she chose me.  The guncle with the paralyzing fear of public speaking.

I drove out to Rochester with plenty of time to spare (20 minutes) and was walked to the class by either the Secretary or the Principal of the School.  I couldn’t tell.  Everyone was dressed so causally for a Thursday.

The secretary/principal knocked on the door and we walked in.   Everyone started to smile.  Which made me feel calm.

The teacher, whose name is prounounced Miss Doe-bish, but who’s spelling is nothing like the pronunciation,  is a…… how do I say it…. a hottie.   I never had a teacher who looked like her.  Especially my 1st grade teacher, who wore brown stockings all year long and who must have hated the taste of toothpaste.

Within 3 minutes, Miss. Dobish had Ali and me sitting in the front of the classroom, and all the kids were sitting Indian-style on the floor in front of us.  (Native American style??)

One weird thing I noticed immediately was that the teacher referred to everyone as “friends”.   “Friends, let’s take seat in front of Matt & Ali”.   “Friends, raise your hands before you speak.”  ”Friends, I know Matt isn’t supposed to be on his cell phone, but he’s our Guest.”

The Matt & Ali Show started with Ali reading a short, yet to-the-point BIO about herself that she must have prepared seconds earlier.  She likes pizza.  She wants to be a teacher.  Her favorite singer is Katy Perry.  She mentioned nothing about me or my accomplishments, likes, or the fact that I give her the best fucking Christmas gifts EVER, which I thought was incredibly rude and selfish.

When Ali was finished reading her autobiography, the teacher asked, “Ali, what book is Matt going to read for us today?”  And Ali said, “Ernest the Moose Who Doesn’t Fit.”

I had never heard of the book, but evidently it’s one of Ali’s favorite books.

I started reading.

It took all of 10 minutes to read the cute book about a moose who was too large to fit on the pages of the book.

I finished reading, and the teacher said, “Friends, doesn’t anyone have a question for Ali or Matt?”

Immediately, 100% of the 20 kids’ hands went up.  Every single one.  Literally.  I was like, “oh no.”

As if she knew the procedure, Ali called out one of the kid’s names… .”Alex?”

Alex puts his hand down, looks directly into my eyes and says to me, “You look like you’re from France.”

I was caught off guard.   A.)  It wasn’t a question.   B.) I certainly DO NOT look like I am from France.

next question from Sidney in the back.

My favorite pizza…. (20 second pause).…. is cheesy pizza“.

Again, not a question.


“It took me and my mom and dad 6 hours to drive to Florida and we saw fish.”   I wanted to be like, “You’re lying, Michael.  I don’t doubt that you saw fish, but there’s no way in hell it took you 6 hours to drive to Florida.  Tell the truth, Friend.”

The Q&A went on for about 15 minutes without a single question being asked, but all of them 100% adorable.

The low point for me was when some little rascal named Donovan decided to walk over to me and mess up my hair in front of the entire class.  Hair that had gel in it.  Hair that I couldn’t then fix because there was no mirror in the class.

Overall, I was in the classroom for about an hour, and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.  I am neverrrrrrrr around a roomful of kids.  Never.  And it reminded me how silly and fun kids can be.   Being a 1st Grade Teacher must be one of the greatest jobs in the world.

The Gluten Frees.


Apr 25, 2013 10 Comments

When did this gluten free thing start?

I feel like it started to get diagnosed about three years ago.   Now, it is a daily email often times 3 to 4 a day, with customers asking me what our policy is on gluten free food and preparation.

I have to put something up on our websites asap.  That’s a fact, jack.

I’m on a flight right now, high as a kite on xanax and I’ve had about 3 martinis and 2 Sprites with my new best friend, Molly, who’s 8 years old and is sitting next to me on Delta Flight # [who cares].

Do Gluten free people die from eating gluten?  Do they get a tummy ache?  Which is it?   It’s like, I have so many friends who are gluten free and they’re the greatest people and they never make big deal about it, but then I get these emails, and it’s like I really want to understand.

Has Gluten Free always been around?  How can we fix it?  Do we need to have a Gluten Free Block Party to raise money for the cure, because we should do it.   I’m thinking Gluten Free beer, GF Food, GF games, GF p0ny rides, GF live music.  It is going to fucking awesome gluten free.

And for the record, we take Gluten Free customers very seriously at Wolff’s Biergarten, Bombers Burrito Bar, and The Olde English.  Not so much at Sciortino’s Pizza :(  just kidding.  It’s a lot of delicious doughy food. but we do have great GF salads. :/

Restaurant project in Tulum.


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Apr 24, 2013 4 Comments

I had been asked to consult on a restaurant that is opening this spring/summer in Tulum, Mexico.

Look how beautiful the space is turning out.

Maybe one day, I will move to Tulum, with my bag of white tshirts and corduroy shorts, and my dogs and my vodka.

Leave behind all my Yelps, and face books, and angry live music tweeters, and make tequila drinks for european travelers who probably don’t don’t tip.

ugh that sounds so nice