For the last couple of days, I’ve been involved in a strange email exchange with some girl.
It is mostly my fault because I originally responded sarcastically, assuming her initial email was spam, and I was bored.
But maybe it’s not spam. I don’t know. I can never tell anymore. I still think maybe there is a girl in Russia who is moving to my neighborhood and thinks I’m sexy.
Anyway, I don’t love the fact that when someone Googles: baby + goat + slaughter … that my email address pops up.
So… last night I helped out my friend Delores.
Delores is an event planner, and she was hired to do a cocktail party at a very well known, very rich clothing designer.
Delores asked me if would help her out at the pre-Met Gala cocktail party as a bartender.
I was like, “hell yes.” She was like, “you can’t freak out, there’s going to be a lot of celebrities there.” I was like, “I won’t.” Weeeeeeeeeeeee!
Before I showed up at the party, I had to sign a bunch of non disclosure documents saying I wouldn’t take any photos or use any names or whatever. I am pretty sure this blog post isn’t a violation because I’m not going to use her real name, obviously. Even though I’m dying to.
In a nutshell, the party was a small gathering of super A list celebrities, all wearing the designer, and all of their seemingly gay husbands.
The absolutely gigantic apartment was insanely beautiful, and everyone at the party drank diet cokes with no ice. Which I thought was very strange. I mean, who orders a Diet Coke without
One super hot A-list celebrity who I just assumed didn’t drink, was pounding tequilas on the rocks, which was impressive. I wanted to be like, “I’m not reeeally a cater waiter. Can we go have a cigarette? I have so much to ask you.”
It was all very Downtown Abbey, and unfortunately I was very Thomas Barrow, even though I wanted to be very Tom Branson.
Thursday night is one of my favorite parties of the year… Champagne on the Park in Albany, NY’s Washington Park (which was designed by M.C. Escher)
On Friday Puppy today, we are giving away 2 complimentary tickets to Champagne on the Park, compliments of the Lark Street BID.
If you would like to win these two tickets, be the 18th commenter on this post, and the tickets are yours.
I will be there, wearing my new lime green dress pants I just bought in Brooklyn. I will also be drunk because the champagne is free and I have never been good at pacing myself at an open bar.
If you don’t win the tickets, you can buy your tickets to this wonderful event HERE.
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this shits gettin real
Last week I drove out to Rochester, NY to read a book to my niece Ali’s 1st Grade class.
Apparently, and like no other Baumgartner before her, she was chosen as Student of the Week. With that honor comes the power to choose someone to come to her class and read a book of her choosing.
So naturally, she chose me. The guncle with the paralyzing fear of public speaking.
I drove out to Rochester with plenty of time to spare (20 minutes) and was walked to the class by either the Secretary or the Principal of the School. I couldn’t tell. Everyone was dressed so causally for a Thursday.
The secretary/principal knocked on the door and we walked in. Everyone started to smile. Which made me feel calm.
The teacher, whose name is prounounced Miss Doe-bish, but who’s spelling is nothing like the pronunciation, is a…… how do I say it…. a hottie. I never had a teacher who looked like her. Especially my 1st grade teacher, who wore brown stockings all year long and who must have hated the taste of toothpaste.
Within 3 minutes, Miss. Dobish had Ali and me sitting in the front of the classroom, and all the kids were sitting Indian-style on the floor in front of us. (Native American style??)
One weird thing I noticed immediately was that the teacher referred to everyone as “friends”. “Friends, let’s take seat in front of Matt & Ali”. “Friends, raise your hands before you speak.” ”Friends, I know Matt isn’t supposed to be on his cell phone, but he’s our Guest.”
The Matt & Ali Show started with Ali reading a short, yet to-the-point BIO about herself that she must have prepared seconds earlier. She likes pizza. She wants to be a teacher. Her favorite singer is Katy Perry. She mentioned nothing about me or my accomplishments, likes, or the fact that I give her the best fucking Christmas gifts EVER, which I thought was incredibly rude and selfish.
When Ali was finished reading her autobiography, the teacher asked, “Ali, what book is Matt going to read for us today?” And Ali said, “Ernest the Moose Who Doesn’t Fit.”
I had never heard of the book, but evidently it’s one of Ali’s favorite books.
I started reading.
It took all of 10 minutes to read the cute book about a moose who was too large to fit on the pages of the book.
I finished reading, and the teacher said, “Friends, doesn’t anyone have a question for Ali or Matt?”
Immediately, 100% of the 20 kids’ hands went up. Every single one. Literally. I was like, “oh no.”
As if she knew the procedure, Ali called out one of the kid’s names… .”Alex?”
Alex puts his hand down, looks directly into my eyes and says to me, “You look like you’re from France.”
I was caught off guard. A.) It wasn’t a question. B.) I certainly DO NOT look like I am from France.
next question from Sidney in the back.
“My favorite pizza…. (20 second pause).…. is cheesy pizza“.
Again, not a question.
“It took me and my mom and dad 6 hours to drive to Florida and we saw fish.” I wanted to be like, “You’re lying, Michael. I don’t doubt that you saw fish, but there’s no way in hell it took you 6 hours to drive to Florida. Tell the truth, Friend.”
The Q&A went on for about 15 minutes without a single question being asked, but all of them 100% adorable.
The low point for me was when some little rascal named Donovan decided to walk over to me and mess up my hair in front of the entire class. Hair that had gel in it. Hair that I couldn’t then fix because there was no mirror in the class.
Overall, I was in the classroom for about an hour, and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. I am neverrrrrrrr around a roomful of kids. Never. And it reminded me how silly and fun kids can be. Being a 1st Grade Teacher must be one of the greatest jobs in the world.
Last week’s winner of FridayPuppy is Sigmund!! Congratulations to the parents of this pup. His cuteness has won you a $25 gift certificate to Bombers Burrito Bar!
For this weeks runnings, I officially have ALL puppies. Abe, Mason, Harry and Finley are all under a year old. Talk about adorable, this week is going to be extra tough. My heart melted when I saw each of these four.
There will be Fish n’ Chips and a pint of beer for two from The Olde English Pub awarded to this weeks winner of FridayPuppy.
This is the start of a very crazy weekend! Have a Happy Cinco de Mayo and drink that tequila wisely…if that is at all possible.
Just in time for Cinco de Mayo!
Starting Friday at both locations, while supplies last, receive these Bombers glasses when you purchase a Corona-rita or one of our many specialty margaritas!
If you haven’t tried the Corona-Rita this is the perfect opportunity. It’s kind of like that humungus drink that Snookie was always photographed drinking on the Boardwalk-the one the size of her head.
But ours is classy. It’s of course served in a mason jar and we use a cute little mini Corona.
As for our specialty margaritas, they are great, and come in all different flavors.
And don’t forget, you have a somewhere fun to wear these glasses!! Tomorrow, 5/3 is the Schenectady Bombers block party. Grand Central Station and DJ Yosh will be providing the tunes and there will be a burrito eating contest with the chance to win some really great prizes!
Get ready everyone, it is going to be a tequila filled weekend.
Amy and Samantha will be throwing this great party Thursday, May 9th from 6-9pm at the Schenectady Bombers.
Come by, grab a couple of margaritas, and check out some beautiful jewelry for you and fantastic custom embroidered collars for your pooch.
A portion of the proceeds will go to Out of the Pits and Animal Protective Foundation!
RSVP to firstname.lastname@example.org