I hope I don’t lose any friends over this post.
All of my friends are having babies. It started about 4-5 years ago.
I have never enjoyed a baby. Even my own nieces and nephews were a little boring to me as babies. When they get to be around the 5 year old mark, that’s when I start to enjoy their company.
I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I mean, I also don’t like kittens, rom coms, or gummi bears. If we’re being honest.
Recently, two couples with whom I’m friends have had babies. (is that sentence grammatically correct??)
We had a birthday party at my cabin and everyone brought their babies.
I mean, I’m happy to have kids and babies at a party (not really), but I just don’t want to talk about them. My issue with parents of newborns is that that’s all they want to talk about. I’m not saying it’s rude (yes I am), but shouldn’t they all realize that other people who don’t have babies probably don’t want to talk about their babies?
At one point, I went outside to try chewing tobacco for the first time just because I couldn’t stay in the house any longer listening to something abut pumping and dumping.
p.s. chewing tobacco is gross. I don’t get it.
This summer, my brother and his wife will be up at our cabin with their 1-year-old daughter My friends will have their 3-month old son, and my other other friends will also be up there with their 4 year old and 4-month old baby. I don’t know if I can handle an entire summer where we all sit around talking about the consistency of babies BMs.
Or what stroller car seat combination is best.
Or who do you think the baby looks like? But didn’t you know that Mother Nature makes the baby look like the father because that way the father will instantly bond with it?
No, I didn’t. Are you out of rum??
I was thinking that I might need to have a talk with everyone and say, “guys, this is a baby free zone. No more baby talk. From now on we are going to talk about the following topics only: Mothers of dragons, how anxious we are on a scale of 1-10 because of our drinking, or anything relating to or pertaining to sizzurp. And should we all try it maybe?”
I’m worried they’ll get offended. Or they’ll give me the “you can’t understand because you’re not a parent” attitude. I HAVE DOGS AND A BLOG, I TOTALLY GET IT!
My other friend who lives in NYC is on baby #2.
I’ve known her for almost 26 years. And for 26 years, she has known for my entire life that I don’t love hanging out with babies.
But typical to form, she had babies, and is wondering why I’m not over at the house hanging out all the time.
It’s because you have a baby.
She sends me text messages, written as if the baby is texting me, saying things like, “where are you uncle Matt?” “Come visit me Uncle Matt, I’m almost a teenager.”
I want to text the baby back and be like, “hey kid, I’ve opened up 5 restaurants and had two nervous breakdowns and you haven’t visited me once, so zip it.”
And what’s with all the photos you new parents are constantly showing me while I’m trying to enjoy my soup.
Yes, I see him. The pajama thing he’s wearing is nice. I see it, it’s got a little tractor on his shirt.
Please don’t show me another one. Ok. Yes, he’s 3 months old and is already a Yankee’s fan. Please stop.
Why is it that new parents are the least aware of quality of the conversation. How do they not realize that, the fact that I am tweeting while they show me baby photos is probably a good indication that I’m zero percent interested.
I’d like to have kids some day. I would. And I will never be one of those parents that talks about their kids. You won’t even know I have them.
I might not even know I have them, which is what scares me about being a parent.
How do you keep them from eating your pot. Or keep them from sliding their little adorable fingers across my Gilette Sensor razors?
I guess I’ll just have to ask my friends with babies.
Daisy’s Mom
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:28 am
That made me laugh out loud and spit out my breakfast! I’m with you Matt…so tired of listening to all the baby talk. We get the last laugh though when those babies turn into teenagers and make their parents miserable and we are happily stolling through life with out dogs ;-)
Bo
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:39 am
This is hysterical, coming from a site devoted towards puppies!!! Agree with all that you say, and you should watch the seinfeld episode devoted towards baby. “what about the baby!!”
Enough of the crayon talk
kathy
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:54 am
I used to be you. To shut them up I started carrying pictures of my cat. Look at my cat on the couch, on the pillow, in the window, in the litter box..isn’t she CUTE!!!!
Now I am them. Except I do not have pictures of my daughter in a littler box.
I have friends that are still you, thankfully! It is nice to hang out with folks that make me talk about other things.
NotSoNice
Mar 18, 2013 at 9:13 am
I am a parent and can’t stand to hear other parents yap about their kids. Did they lose their ability to have a conversation when the kid came along or something? I am still able to have a conversation that isn’t about my kids.
andrea
Mar 18, 2013 at 9:18 am
“Why is it that new parents are the least aware of quality of the conversation.” Because they likely haven’t slept through the night since before the (first) baby was born, and mom may not have slept soundly through the night for another 7-8 months before that. Because their lives have completely changed forever, and one way to deal with the new reality without killing yourself or fleeing your family is to embrace it to the point of obsession. Because keeping a human alive is really scary and time-consuming.
Hope that helps.
Jillian
Mar 18, 2013 at 10:04 am
This is the funniest thing ever! There is nothing wrong with wanting to have conversation that doesn’t involve babies!!
John
Mar 18, 2013 at 10:17 am
Agreed 100% and the same goes for people newly engaged/married/in a relationship. The topic of conversation turns to how great it is to be married/engaged/in a relationship, when all I really want to do is enjoy my lunch and cocktail and not hear about how your “hunny” did the “cutest thing” today.
Eric
Mar 18, 2013 at 10:17 am
You don’t like kittens? Friendship over. Henderson out.
Jemss
Mar 18, 2013 at 11:41 am
Wait, how does anyone not like gummi bears?
Carly
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:07 pm
I actually HAVE a baby. And am expecting #2, seriously, any minute. I even occasionally update a blog that is mostly based around the fact that I have said children (when I’m not elbow deep in crayola, poop, or spaghetti sauce).
And yet… I agree with you, like, 100%.
Well, 96%. You’re still going to have to see some baby pictures of my kids’ mugs in your News Feed. Sorry, Matt – hope we can put that past us if we perhaps cross paths for a drink again someday. XO.
Cherisse
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:22 pm
Lol Matt! I agree with you and I have a kid. You actually just did a great public service for all those out there that have let their lives become all about their kids. Thank you for pointing out and I will be try to make sure I don’t become one of ‘those’ parents. AND if I do-pls feel free to point it out. I will thank you for it! I still love you!
Darren F
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:25 pm
I was beginning to think I was weird for not wanting a baby. I’m the godfather to my brother’s baby, which is why I helped him buy a car with 10 airbags. Everyone, EVERYONE, seems to be pregnant or adopting or on their second. The only ones that appear to be enjoying it are those with really good nannies. One recent parent said to me “It’s amazing that our species survives. When they cry, you sometimes just want to snap their neck.” And for those who don’t have kids, they keep asking our thoughts about it, which is also not the kind of conversation I want to have when I meet up for a whiskey. I do like kids… but, just like puppies, I like to give them back to their owners once they start to poop, cry, spit up or slobber on me.
Whenever my husband starts the baby discussion, I send him this.
http://youtu.be/d2cTX81ZpL8
Gotta love the Family Guy
Kidkane
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:27 pm
Happy to talk about the mother of dragons any time. Did you know she’s in breakfast at Tiffany’s on broadway right now (directly next to the studio I’m at)?
Karen
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:49 pm
I know where you are coming from, and I agree with you. I was an over-the-top first time grandmother-to-be. I told everyone who would listen to me! This lasted until Dylan was a few months old. I think I finally grew tired of listening to me. I came to realize that not everyone is as enthralled as I was. I am still as excited to be a third time grandmother as with my first. Be forewarned–Ask me how they are and I am more than willing to go on and on about them.
Vicky
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:01 pm
Matter, after 26 years of friendship, I finally make your Blog. How excellent. And all it took was the birth of two monsters, I mean, children. Truth be told, I’m not a kid person either, so we are on the same page. But, regardless of what you want, you are going to come see my kids and tell me how perfect they are (even though they aren’t) and after you leave, I am going to tell them how wonderful their Uncle Matt is even if he’s had two (pretty sure that’s an understatement) nervous breakdowns.
Circle of life my friend. Xo
Ps: am I going to carry your children? Think we discussed this in ninth grade.
adam t
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:09 pm
backed 1000x over…
don’t have any kids, don’t want to endlessly look at pictures of yours or hear about them.
Jill
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:12 pm
I was over at a couple’s home for dinner one night. Said couple have their first child (who is super cute and laughs a lot, which is fun), and they invited another couple over who recently had their first child as well. The conversation ALL NIGHT centered around children. I couldn’t take it. Even more frustrating is that despite the fact that these adults have been parents for no more than maybe six months, they truly believe they know everything about being a parent and the absolute BEST WAY to do everything.
I came over to watch football and have a beer, not to listen to you yap about car seats and breastfeeding.
Jen
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:20 pm
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Matt, we are on the same level, 100%. This morning I thought about deleting anyone with a kid off my facebook, because I am sick of looking and or reading about it! Woof, over it, done. Have a life and child.
CS
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:33 pm
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit, mom of 3
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:49 pm
Hahahaha! I couldn’t agree more and I have three of them.
My book club spends most of their time talking about kids. Why did we read a book? We should have just read What to Expect.
And just wait until your friends get to school age and you have to hear all the PTG drama…worse than reality TV.
Gscepi
Mar 18, 2013 at 1:59 pm
Matt, quite funny, yet delivering of your truth, & I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I agree/on the same page as you with most of what you’re saying, but I truly believe it will be different when you have your own kid. I believe most parents don’t realize that while their conversations are now monopolized by talk of their ” perfect ” children, in reality your kid is just an extension of you, so really it’s an excuse for them to talk non stop about themselves, lol. Maybe they see it as a trade off? Since Ive given up most of my freedom, I get a free pass to dominate conversations with talk of how my babies bowel movements are smoother then all the other babies!?! Idk. Regardless, I know you will be a great dad, Matt. Not a doubt in my mind what a lucky kid that will be. Till then good luck dealing with the baby talk my friend;)
Billy-D
Mar 18, 2013 at 2:15 pm
So I guess you don’t wanna hear about my 9 nephews and nieces, and god daughter and the cute kid who lives down the hall or my gal pal in the UK who’s son was obsessed with me when we met last week?
Mark
Mar 18, 2013 at 2:49 pm
I agree with you 100%
AND I’M ONE OF THOSE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
Like, literally one of those. I’m pretty sure it was the soup incident, and you tweeting whilst I show you picture #36 of the boys wearing jeans.
Ah look Uncle Matt, so cute!! Maybe they can model for H&Baum baby clothes? You should do baby clothes..”
Matt: He is still talking. Look at my phone look at my phone……… He’s still there, and now its picture #65
Melissa
Mar 18, 2013 at 3:31 pm
Hilarious. Can I have your babies?
Billy
Mar 18, 2013 at 4:24 pm
Hysterical! Everything I’ve always thought and was afraid to say :)
Matt Ruch
Mar 18, 2013 at 6:28 pm
You hit the nail on the head. And, very funny too.
G-awg
Mar 18, 2013 at 6:42 pm
This is a great post, I love my niece and nephew (that live with me) and they think I’m great, but their patents are so busy with them they have turned into complete idiots, they see no news, no time to read the paper, it’s like the world could explode around them and they wouldn’t realize it, and they never know what you are talking about, like “Hey you hear about all the broken down Cruise ships”, you get “Huhh, What? ? ?” Sooo frustrating, you don’t bother to talk to them, come back when you return to this world……..
Kerri j
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm
So funny. So true. Babies are boring & their parents are even more so. !!!
DL
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:16 pm
Very funny commentary – I think you may have unexpectedly made some friends. Cheers to honest expression and continue to do so if for no other reason than to pre-empt or maybe a better word is postpone breakdown number 3.
I really do like babies – just not interested until potty trained and can hang with X-Box for long periods of time.
I realize this is your blog but since we venting about parents and babies I thought I’d add my two cents about what I resent most from my many friends and some family members with kids. The issue is not the baby per se but that the entire universe revolves around them and their kids and if I want to maintain the relationship, I am the one who always gets in the car and must travel whatever distance to see them, bring gifts for their kids, attend birthdays, baptisms, and whatever else I am invited to.
I have a friend who did not come to my surprise 40th birthday party (1/2 hour drive) and to date no explanation as to why. He did manage to go to Europe to attend another friend’s surprise 40th party. I still choose to invest in the friendship because he and his family are worth it to me.
The moral of the rambling is for all the married people with kids remember that you unmarried single brothers, sisters, friends deserve some of your undivided friendship and yes even bring a gift every now and then for no reason.
Before I am too old, someday I am going to plan a party for myself – maybe a 50th birthday where everyone pays me back. I’ll hire a photographer to capture that one photo I can use for what would be my first ever Christmas card – just me and the party in the background with a long note about me and all I’ve done for all of you in the background.
Thanks for letting me vent and possibly avoiding my first breakdown.
Cassie
Mar 18, 2013 at 8:33 pm
I feel the same way. I don’t think my maternal instinct will ever kick in. But, puppies? You can never have enough puppies.
Sara
Mar 18, 2013 at 9:40 pm
Maybe you can declare the boat a baby-free zone?
Benji
Mar 19, 2013 at 2:26 am
Amen!
Richard
Mar 19, 2013 at 7:20 am
Face it, Matt! You just don’t like any gathering where you’re not the center of attention. ;) Seriously, though, if you are uncomfortable with giving affection please do NOT have children. They’ll turn out fucked up.
Mer
Mar 19, 2013 at 7:59 am
Thank God you’re back! I have desperately missed these posts. Brilliant =)
Kat
Mar 19, 2013 at 10:01 am
As I like to tell my friends – children are full of questions and snot. I don’t like to hold them, until they can hold up their own damn head. I do have to admit though, I visit my friend’s kids quite regularly. Their son, who is 3, is constantly getting naked and showing me his yoga moves. There is something wrong with parents who think it’s cute when their naked son pulled out a downward dog in front of my face.
TammyP
Mar 19, 2013 at 10:29 am
Oh, how I have missed your writing, Matt! If you lose friends for being honest about how you feel, they weren’t very good friends to begin with.
And, Darren F, speaking of meeting up for a whiskey… I miss your face!
Christin
Mar 19, 2013 at 11:21 am
Amen!!! Could not have said it better :-) Plus it’s hysterical!
Hopeful
Mar 19, 2013 at 12:18 pm
I think it’s worse when the kids are in school and the parents compete with each other over who has the worst teacher/school/bus driver/homework, etc. Nobody cares. Your kid isn’t the first kid to go through 3rd grade.
Dana
Mar 20, 2013 at 10:03 am
I LOVE that you are writing on the blog again. Also, late June. Hamptons. Baby free zone. You can bring your dogs.
Jojo
Mar 22, 2013 at 11:00 am
i agree with the baby talk and with the fact they are fun at 5 years old, as for having a baby free zone when your hosting, well your going to have to invite only your single , child-less friends.
Christy
Mar 25, 2013 at 11:30 am
I laughed out loud at “No, I didn’t. Are you out of rum??” – - channeling your inner Johnny Depp? At any rate, great post. I was there with you not too long ago (I wasn’t all ga-ga for babies when my friends were all having them on purpose) however I’ve moved into the phase of life and am now expecting a little poop machine in May. I have struggled with this as a blogger though, as I do find that most of my posts I hint at something to do with the baby now. I’ll have to be more conscious of this as there are plenty of other people out there who may be turned off by this. I guess I went through this too about five years ago when we got a dog and my life centered around him… but, I know what you mean. Cheers to your baby-less days and sizzurps (??) for they are numbered buddy.
sheila
Apr 9, 2013 at 9:36 am
I think your comments are a wake-up call for all of us parents and grandparents who are so smitten with the babies that they fail to recognize that not everyone else is. I have become that grandmother I always hated, talking too much about the grandkids, but I also try to judge my audience. My friend Susan is in the same place so we can go on for hours but when I am with my non-grandmother friends, seriously, do they really want to hear more than “the kids are delicious”? No. The other piece is that as wonderful as these little ones are, there is a whole other world that we need to keep in touch with and there are only so many hours in the day to absorb and stay current.