I hope I don’t lose any friends over this post.
All of my friends are having babies. It started about 4-5 years ago.
I have never enjoyed a baby. Even my own nieces and nephews were a little boring to me as babies. When they get to be around the 5 year old mark, that’s when I start to enjoy their company.
I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I mean, I also don’t like kittens, rom coms, or gummi bears. If we’re being honest.
Recently, two couples with whom I’m friends have had babies. (is that sentence grammatically correct??)
We had a birthday party at my cabin and everyone brought their babies.
I mean, I’m happy to have kids and babies at a party (not really), but I just don’t want to talk about them. My issue with parents of newborns is that that’s all they want to talk about. I’m not saying it’s rude (yes I am), but shouldn’t they all realize that other people who don’t have babies probably don’t want to talk about their babies?
At one point, I went outside to try chewing tobacco for the first time just because I couldn’t stay in the house any longer listening to something abut pumping and dumping.
p.s. chewing tobacco is gross. I don’t get it.
This summer, my brother and his wife will be up at our cabin with their 1-year-old daughter My friends will have their 3-month old son, and my other other friends will also be up there with their 4 year old and 4-month old baby. I don’t know if I can handle an entire summer where we all sit around talking about the consistency of babies BMs.
Or what stroller car seat combination is best.
Or who do you think the baby looks like? But didn’t you know that Mother Nature makes the baby look like the father because that way the father will instantly bond with it?
No, I didn’t. Are you out of rum??
I was thinking that I might need to have a talk with everyone and say, “guys, this is a baby free zone. No more baby talk. From now on we are going to talk about the following topics only: Mothers of dragons, how anxious we are on a scale of 1-10 because of our drinking, or anything relating to or pertaining to sizzurp. And should we all try it maybe?”
I’m worried they’ll get offended. Or they’ll give me the “you can’t understand because you’re not a parent” attitude. I HAVE DOGS AND A BLOG, I TOTALLY GET IT!
My other friend who lives in NYC is on baby #2.
I’ve known her for almost 26 years. And for 26 years, she has known for my entire life that I don’t love hanging out with babies.
But typical to form, she had babies, and is wondering why I’m not over at the house hanging out all the time.
It’s because you have a baby.
She sends me text messages, written as if the baby is texting me, saying things like, “where are you uncle Matt?” “Come visit me Uncle Matt, I’m almost a teenager.”
I want to text the baby back and be like, “hey kid, I’ve opened up 5 restaurants and had two nervous breakdowns and you haven’t visited me once, so zip it.”
And what’s with all the photos you new parents are constantly showing me while I’m trying to enjoy my soup.
Yes, I see him. The pajama thing he’s wearing is nice. I see it, it’s got a little tractor on his shirt.
Please don’t show me another one. Ok. Yes, he’s 3 months old and is already a Yankee’s fan. Please stop.
Why is it that new parents are the least aware of quality of the conversation. How do they not realize that, the fact that I am tweeting while they show me baby photos is probably a good indication that I’m zero percent interested.
I’d like to have kids some day. I would. And I will never be one of those parents that talks about their kids. You won’t even know I have them.
I might not even know I have them, which is what scares me about being a parent.
How do you keep them from eating your pot. Or keep them from sliding their little adorable fingers across my Gilette Sensor razors?
I guess I’ll just have to ask my friends with babies.