By Mennen(gitis)

By Matt Baumgartner

I wouldn’t say I’m a hypochondriac, but let’s put it this way, if I go out on a date and the guy tries to put his arm around me, I will push his diseased arm away, tell him never to do that again, and then walk into the nearest doctors office to get tested for shingles.

I just know sooner or later I’m bound to catch something, despite my good fortune of never really getting any sicker than a bad case of the flu. And unfortunately, I’m not very slutty. I’m probably someone who would fall into the “low risk” category.

However, my friend Victoria sent me a recent CBS article that said that there is a bad meningitis outbreak among gay guys in NYC which has me freaked out.

It’s like, “great, something else to worry about.” (AIDS, meningitis, carbs, etc.).

So I called my Doctor, and spoke to the receptionist. I said, “hi, who can I speak to about getting a meningitis vaccine?”

She was like, “sir, calm down. What is your date of birth?”

I could then (basically) hear the chuckling in the background, as if she held up a sign to her coworkers that said, “this old guy thinks he can catch meningitis!”

The Practitioner’s Assistant came on the phone, and she was like, “Hiiiiii Matttttttttt. What can we do for you today?”

So I explained to her my concern about catching meningitis because I am in NYC a lot and I’m in the Men Seeking Men category so naturally it’s only a matter of time before I catch meningitis.

She told me that it’s still unlikely because it’s typically something you catch on a college campus or when you’re younger and living in tight quarters, but if I still wanted the vaccine she would give it to me.

So today at 2:00pm, I have an appointment to get vaccinated for meningitis. Which I’ve probably already been vaccinated for.

And getting it done twice will probably make me more susceptible to the disease. So now I’ve basically asked for it.

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